


Hellfire

by vierasfics



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Abuse, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Child Abuse, God Complex, Heavy Angst, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Panic Attacks, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts, Violent Thoughts
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-11
Updated: 2019-12-11
Packaged: 2021-02-18 12:09:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 914
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21760678
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vierasfics/pseuds/vierasfics
Summary: He had thought he’d known pain. He was wrong. He couldn’t even cry out. His mouth filled in blood and the air was sucked out of his lungs. It felt as if he’d been severed in two, and he had. Jace’s blow had been just as he had described. It was ironic. Poetic. He had thought he knew what a broken heart felt like, but no, now it had been pierced, and it burned, and ached, and stung, and every other type of agony went thought him. Jace’s hand was shaking behind him. It was as if he was talking without speaking. Jonathan turned his eyes towards him. It took every ounce of his energy to respond.“I guess father was right.”Jace staggered back. He wished to reach for him. He wanted someone to hold him now, that he couldn’t keep himself standing. He felt his legs give in, didn’t know where he was falling to until his back hit water. His mind was becoming fuzzy. Thoughts wouldn’t materialize entirely, instead there was only a constant feeling, glimmers of memories, fear, resentment, jealousy.Longing.Regret.or that hot take where jonathan is sympathetic
Kudos: 5





	Hellfire

Ever since he could remember, he’d lived with an aching pain on his chest.

As a kid, he had thought himself injured, and he’d gone to his father for help. _It’s because there’s something wrong with you,_ he had told him _._ He’d spent a copious amount of his childhood asking about it. What was wrong with him? How could it be fixed? His father said it was merely the way he was; a monster. _Only I can learn to love you, Jonathan._

The past few days, the pain had diminished.

He paced around the house. His father should be here anytime soon. It was the only meeting they would have, before he would leave to Idris, before their plan would begin. A plan in which he’d have to kill Jace.

Jace. Jace, Jace, Jace. The same Jace that had sparred with him just this morning. He’d smiled at him and served him a cup of coffee. (The same Jace he had heard so much about all his life. About how much progress he was making, how much _better_ he was.) Jonathan took a shuddering breath. He was being ridiculous. He couldn’t argue with his father. He’d tried before. It never went well for him.

And yet-

“Why so nervous, Jonathan? It’s just me.”

He jolted in surprise, turning to face the door. Hearing his own name after so long felt _wrong._

“Father,” he muttered. He could feel himself tensing up, hunching his shoulders to make himself small. Valentine’s presence always seemed to have this effect on him. Even his voice turned into a shy whisper. “It’s nice to speak with you once more.”

“Skip the formalities, boy. Is everything going well? I trust you haven’t blown your cover.”

“I haven’t.” He looked down to the floor. He had to say something _now._ His father wasn’t a man to waste time.

“Good. Well then, if that’s the case-”

“ _But_ -” He spoke despite himself. His father turned to look at him in disdain. What was he thinking, interrupting him like that? Jonathan felt his entire body turn into ice.

“ _What?_ ”

 _Nothing,_ was what he should’ve be saying, followed by an apology. Instead, he began tripping over his words. “I just- I don’t- I don’t want to- Jace-”

“By the Angel, Jonathan, _you know_ I hate it when you stutter like that.” He flinched slightly. His father had his fingers on his temple in annoyance. That wasn’t good. “What is it? Speak clearly.”

He bit his lip, too afraid to keep going. Still, it was too late to back down. “I don’t want to kill Jace.”

Even as the sentence was merely a mumble, it nevertheless fell on the space between them like a wall of bricks. His father’s eyes were cold as they stared him down. Jonathan could feel his fingers shaking. “Jonathan, I hope, for your sake, you’ve now realized how stupid what you’ve just told me is, and we can both forget this ever happened.”

That was his out. For some reason, he didn’t take it. “It’s just- He’s been so _nice_ to me. They all have been. I don’t understand why you hate Downworlders, I’ve met them and-”

“Of course _you_ wouldn’t understand. You’re too defective to function properly, Jonathan.” Valentine let out a sigh of exasperation. Jonathan could feel the ache on his chest return like a pulsing wound. “You don’t _need_ to understand, you just need to do as I say.”

“But- Jace is- He isn’t- He’s not like you said he would be. He _likes_ me, he-” his protest died down, drowned by the sound of his father laughing.

“You really think he does?” Valentine took a step forward. Jonathan cowered back immediately, his throat closing up. “Oh, I should’ve thought this would happen. You see, Jonathan, they don’t like _you,_ they treat you well merely because they think you’re Sebastian Verlac.”

He felt the need to argue. That couldn’t be the only reason, could it? Somewhere on his acting was the real him.

But his father wasn’t done. “Don’t tell me you’ve grown fond of them. You think any of them care for you? That any of them would love you? No one can love you, Jonathan, only I can.”

He felt his back hit the wall behind him. He hadn’t realized he was moving away, his arms holding his own torso so tightly as if to keep himself from breaking apart. “B-but-” his own breathing cut him off, too shallow to sustain words.

Valentine took him by his chin. Jonathan yelped involuntarily, shutting his eyes. “You _will_ kill Jace Herondale, you will prove to me that you are worth anything, that he is not _better_ than you _,_ and _if_ you fail, I swear by the Angel I will toss you out into Edom. _Is that clear?_ ”

A small pause went by. Jonathan could feel fire consuming his entire chest, suffocating him. He opened his eyes slowly to a blurry image of his father, and quickly diverted them down so he didn’t have to meet that furious stare. He couldn’t breathe. Yet still, he opened his mouth to answer, lip quivering. “Y-” He swallowed with difficulty. Stupid. He was so stupid to have even brought this up, so stupid to think any of them would ever grow to care for him, to think that Jace, or Clary-

He pushed down tears. Valentine was still awaiting a response.

He dug his nails into his own palm, and spoke. “Yes, father.”


End file.
